Look at me. I'm all grown up.

Wow! New Line's bare was so good this opening weekend, I don't know if I can handle the intensity the next 3 weekends are about to hand over!...NOT! the more intense our runs become, the more invested I become. I cannot wait to feel the heat rise onstage!

I really love this show. I'm not talking about the characters or my awesome cast, but really--the show. Bare has such powerful messages. Alot of which, apply to my own personal life. Though at Pacific High school, I wouldn't exactly consider myself an out-casted student.
I quit soccer my sophomore year to pursue my theatrical endeavors further and I soon become the definition of the "show-choir" geek. Furthermore, I wore brightly colored outfits most of which entailed leggings and my neon tutus. I was Fran Drescher's look-alike (this was before Lea Michelle came onto the screen and took Fran's spot as my doppelganger rudely away.) with the obnoxious ensembles and the all the charm to go with it. I was an honor-roll student, mainly because of my freak memory (not so much that I was smart) and I was practically friends with everyone. I didn't have many boyfriends..not that anyone knew about anyhow. I'm sure there were some people who didn't love me so much, probably my teachers more so than anyone since I rarely took anything seriously. Yet apparently I was well-liked amongst my classmates, since I was voted prom queen when up next to 3 very "popular" girls.
I had a few extremely close friends, whom still hold my heart in their hands today. And I had many, many friends from all parts of my life: church, theatre, ECC, camp, and school. All of which, I had close bonds with. Friendship has meant more to me than anything else my entire life. High school only fueled that part of me even more.
Most people would say that I was a very happy person, a great student. I loved learning, I loved being with the people I loved everyday, I even loved our cafeteria food with a sick passion. Not many people would ever tell you that I dealt with alot of darkness on the inside. And what's that they say? "The people you least expect to be depressed or commit suicide, are usually the ones who face it." Now, I never wanted to kill myself. Never crossed my mind. I'm far too in love with being alive for that. But my depression was a wicked being. One that kept me from trusting. Kept me from loving whole-heartedly. It kept me at 100 feet away from anyone trying to get to know who I was, or worse--where I came from.
Quite similar to Ivy, I was someone very different on the inside. Except luckily for me, my classmates got to see the sunshine rather than the darkness. Ivy lets everyone see the badness, and never the goodness within her.
People don't get to hear about my family life. Very few souls have ever heard my side of the story. Not from embarrassment, but from the amount of sadness and anger that literally clog my throat when it came time to discuss family. Now don't get me wrong, my family life is peachy compared to many other's. But there was still enough dysfunction to put me into a frenzy for years to come. We went to church 3 times a week, sometimes more. My parents are very righteous people, who instilled very good values in me very early on in life. If it weren't for the ethics and morals they taught me, I certainly would've been leading a very destructive life by now I'm sure. I was also very fortunate within my misfortune to have 2 half-siblings that are 5 and 9 years older than me. Thank goodness I was smart enough to be silent and observe.. I found out very quickly and very early who I did not want to be: my sister.
My oldest sister has been a drug-addict for years...for as long as I've known her. Her addiction broke my family and destroyed any relationship between us that could've ever existed. All I ever learned from her, was how to lie. My sisters we very cruel to me growing up. My dad was in school all day everyday, and my mom was gone 12 hours out of the day everyday. Plenty of time for my older sisters to kick me in every direction and call me every name in the book. I found refuge quickly, though. In nature, in music, and most impacting--friendships.
There is plenty of psychological bull that goes along with my life's story. But the point of this all, is that I was a very hurt soul during my high school days. I opened my arms and mind to any guidance leading me away from my pain at any given chance. I don't have a relationship with my drug-addict sister. I have mended the one with my other sister, though. As we've gotten older, it's been much easier to figure out that we were both the victims of our stories. The relationship I have with my parents is unlike most. I regret to tell you that it's not the best, actually. I love them very much, as they do me. But since elementary school, I have been jarred by their attentiveness to my eldest sister and her negativity she brings to every memory. I have been in the shadow of her since day one. And I have never been given the chance to be anything but. Whatever I did growing up, was immediately compared to what my sisters did. I was never separated from them in my parenting. All I wanted was to have a chance to be different, and prove to my parents that I was. Which...I have for the last 22 years. I am so incredibly opposite of my sisters, I couldn't be more grateful.
I still have alot of anger. Alot of sadness. And alot of things to work on. A lifetime of all that, it takes time to heal. I work on it everyday.
Bare holds all the dark moments that I experienced in high school. I questioned faith, I questioned everything about the church and often still do. I was constantly torn to let my family see who I really was, because I knew they wouldn't approve of the things I believed or the person I had become. No, I'm not gay. But I still plead for acceptance. Yes, I was an A+ student my entire life. But I still struggle to be seen as the fun person I am. No, I didn't ever do drugs or get involved into alcohol or was promiscuous. And yet, I still was "unworthy" of my church's pride. I was always confused as to why I felt like the church didn't want me to be who I felt I needed to be. I'm a great person. I constantly search for new knowledge, to find love and experience anything new and keep searching for peace in my heart. I am financially stable and have lived a very adult life for a long long time now. But for some reason, I still have to fight to be "seen." I still long for acceptance. I still battle judgement from Christ-like individuals from my background all the time.
Playing Ivy isn't so different from letting you see the darker side of myself. "All Grown Up," may be about Ivy's tragedy but it's very symbolic and pertinent in my own life. I didn't get pregnant, no. However, all my life I've struggled to release my inhibitions. I've always been afraid to let people see who I really am. Ivy's tale is far more depressing than mine, but finding out who you really are and living in confusion for so long is such a struggle for anyone. "Seventeen, how will I manage," my favorite line..High school was where I decided whether I was going to be happy whether I was given permission or not. Man, high school was really hard. Everyone knows. I've had a wonderful life. But there has been a mask hiding my lacerations for too long. Hiding is easy, facing your truth and finding your light is what's hard.


I think an important message bare sends is this, parents: make sure your children are aware that you love them. Do not ever think for one second that you don't need to remind them. Especially if you've never seen eye-to-eye. I can ignore the church's judgement. But thinking that my parents don't like me? That's so much more degrading.
High school is such a vulnerable time for kids. We learn so much about ourselves and life and relationships. It's so important for us to know that it's okay to be who we want to be, just as long as we're not hurting anyone or ourselves.


Random thought: India Arie's "Heart of the Matter", "you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside." Great song.

We all have our battles. We all have sides of us no one gets to see. But we're all beautiful people. And none of us should ever hold back in life just because we think someone we love won't love us anymore if we let them see who we really are.

<3 <3 <3 bare is fantastic. do not miss this one, friends.

If you like me kiss me, don't stop.

Okay. This needs to be said before anything else: the cast of bare is insanely fun! Seriously, I don't think I have ever had so many connections with so many of my cast mates before. We are a ridiculous bunch, whether we have been drinking or not. ;) you know what I mean, boys and girls of bare!

I actually want to blog about the cast today. Because I think alot of us have gotten pretty close these past few weeks, and it really adds to the show's realness I think. Who knew that some pizza and King's cup is all we needed to really loosen up. :))

I love that theatre is such a social event sometimes. Not to Scott's liking because of how vociferous we become occasionally, lol. But because of how close you get to the people in your cast. Especially in a show like this, where we're all high schoolers that have grown up together. We have to recreate those background relationships with people we've only known in reality for a couple of months. Which is probably the easiest part of the job for me. I make friends pretty fast, and I usually keep those friendships alive for a very long time. It's amazing to me how I can make friendships last a lifetime, but I can't keep a real relationship with a man last for more than a few months. Whatevs. Some of us are just born to be free, eh? :)
My point is, our fake high school relationships have evolved into real-time friendships. And I couldn't be more excited to have all of these wonderful young adults a part of my life now.

So now we've got St. Cecilia's clicks arranged just right:

Ivy, Tanya, and Kyra---total mean girl club. We're the ultimate bitches of the school, you mess with us and we'll kill you...or have sex with you. We get to choose.

Matt and Nadia---outcasted for no apparent reason other than being goodie-too shoos and maybe not meeting up to the "cool" standards because of their looks or grade point average. Matt has some seriously awkward social skills.

Jason and Peter---apparent "besties" our whole lives. Jason, the over-achiever and total smokin' hottie that doesn't want any of us girls. Peter, the peace-keeper. Everyone is friends with Peter! He's the only one that tries to keep everyone happy. And of course, to keep Nadia and Ivy from murdering each other.

Alan, Rory, and Zach---typical high schoolers. Zach is a total douche, even to his totally hott girl Kyra. Rory is the quirky loner, but freakin' hott and untouchable! Alan, in my opinion, is a total ladies man. He's got brains and looks.

Lucas---stoner, drug-dealer, friends with everyone because he's clearly got all the goods. Alcohol, X, and of course, an endless amount of condoms. Haha, I guess he thinks he's getting lucky with my girl Tanya :)

Diane Lee---nerd all the way! Probably the only one actually following the Catholic teachings and is totally prude. Hahaha, she really tries though! She's trying to find her way just like the rest of us. And just because she isn't gay, and doesn't do drugs and doesn't have sex she's still trying to find her place. She's still trying to be accepted.

It's really interesting to me that most of us are alarmingly like our characters. In one way or another.

Now the reality clicks? Well, there really aren't any. There's alot of Webster students that have known each other for a while. And then there's several of us New Liners that have been together for a few shows now. But I really think we all mesh perfectly. There's no tension, there's jokes flying every direction, and someone is walking into rehearsal everyday with a person they haven't arrived with before. I really feel good with these people. I really love them all. Which makes it more difficult to be mean to all of them in the show!

We are all such unique individuals. We are all so different and yet so much alike. Put these real relationships onto the stage of bare, and you're in for a treat.

I think I've finally nailed Ivy. Hehe, not literally. After some counsel with Scott, her and I stopped arguing finally. I, of course, had to give in to her (like most people do). Once I took myself out of the equation, it was so much easier to really get into character. Now that Ivy is a total rockin' mean girl, I've been able to let a little bit of myself slip into her softer moments. Which I always appreciate a role that I can somehow incorporate my own traits into, if it's appropriate of course.
I still haven't figured out why tech rehearsal was my breaking point; where I finally released Ivy's inner rockstar. I guess I was having a hard time up until then because I thought if I was melodramatic, that I'd be too over the top. Apparently not! It's exactly what my character creation was missing. Like Scott keeps reminding us, this is an opera. It may be a pop-opera, but nonetheless it needs to be big! I can't even describe to you how awesome it is to rock this way. It's really cool, man.

We're here. We preview tomorrow night! This is the point of no return, officially. It's nerve-wracking, it's terrifying, it's exciting, it's exhilarating, and it's time to rock-out!

I think I'm most excited about sending the message of love and acceptance to our audiences. Yes, Jason's struggle is being gay and being accepted in his family and social role, etc. But there are so many of us, who have no social restraints but still struggle with being accepted. There is nothing worse than to think that you are unloved; to have no one understand. There are plenty of straight men and women who are also hoping to be accepted by their families. Either because they don't follow the same religious views, or because they had a baby out of wedlock, or just because they've always been in the shadows of other siblings. There are all sorts of dysfunctional families, where children aren't treated/praised equally. Gay teens are certainly overwhelmed with judgement and hatred from our society. But bare contributes to anyone facing judgement from any social reform. It's a really powerful message, if you want to hear it. This show open your hearts and minds to something different, and you'll be able to relate to the subject matter. There is always a way out or your torment. You can be happy, whether the world gives you permission or not.

If you don't know me or my cast mates, here's a link so you can match our faces with our blogs. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=16w70jJiyvk


<3 <3 <3

Birthday bitch!

Things are heatin' up fast on the New Line stage! We're getting things done and moving along quickly and smoothly. Mostly :)

I'm really excited that we're in the theatre now. And our set pieces are now being incorporated in the blocking, which is awkward right now. But in a week, we'll be glad to finally have those real benches rather than folding chairs! Haha, not too easy to sit down too quickly...or to do the deed on! :D

And here we go into the nitty gritty! Character analysis is underway and I think alot of us are still trying to figure out who we really are in the show. Ivy is surprising me. And I'm having a difficult time with some of her inner feelings still. Scott really likes us to have background stories for our characters. 1) It makes them so much more believable to the audience because 2) it turns us into real people rather than characters. So figuring out Ivy's background has gotten interesting, but difficult. I have a hard time leaving my self out of the making of it all. Ivy and Terrie may be similar in our insecurities but we definitely hold ourselves differently in public. We like different music, I think. And we have very different views on things. I am very optimistic and outgoing. Ivy---not so much. Playing such a different personality than my own has been challenging. But way too fun!
Things I need to work on:
1) being a super-slut
2) being an insecure super-slut
3) forgetting that people are watching me get frisky with Jason!
4) remembering my freakin' lyrics
5) remembering my blocking as well...

There are obviously things that I need to work on. But with 8 more run thrus, I'll nail all of the above! It's really just doing it over and over to get comfortable. My lyrics have already gotten much stronger within a weekend, so I know I can do this. Once Jake and I figure out what's really gonna go on during our love-making, things will also become much more comfortable and smooth. Oh, and letting my bony knee caps get used to the harder than hard benches!!! And no, Scott, paint is not going to make the benches less hard! Hehee

I have faith in this production. I feel the message is so powerful and anyone and everyone should understand it. It may be a pretty sad show, but the value within it is beautiful!

Rock out, bare cast! I love working with all of you so much <3

I have never felt this way before...have you?

I want you, you see it in my eyes!
Alright...I won't sing my entire blog to you. Well, not today anyways.
We're off and rolling with bare. I LOVE this show!! Again, my blog is a little bit behind schedule. But here it is! Now you can follow my character analysis and my own perceptions of this beautiful show. And of course, you can become just as anxious as I am for bare's arrival for an audience. :)

We've blocked Act I and now are all panic stricken to memorize as quickly as possible, as to avoid Scott's wrath. Haha, he's terrifying when he scolds us. Totally just joking! But really, we're at the point now where the scripts are really preventing us from forming our characters. So my down time at work and on the weekends have been solely singing and reading bare. I think alot of us already knew the show before we even started rehearsals, so that's been helpful. Most of us were pretty familiar with the score and the story line, which for me is making memorizing far easier than it normally would. We're half way through blocking Act II now, as well. So the memorizing better get done fast! Since we'll be running the show from top to bottom soon. And all of our shenanigans on stage will ensue :)

Speaking of shenanigans...holy cow, I am so stinking excited about some of this blocking. First of all, I get to have stage sex for the first time ever. And I'm not just excited about it because I'm a pervie, haha. I'm really excited for it because it's going to be a brand new challenge for Jake and I both. One, we have to convince an audience that we're actually doin' it. Two, I have to reach somewhere inside of me that I've never had to reach before for any production. A place I, myself, rarely reach during my own personal life..
Ivy is seriously involved in Jason, whether he feels the same way or not. And as easy as stage sex may seem, it's actually a bit difficult. I will be completely vulnerable. And I will not be able to resort to being funny, like I usually can. The seriousness and the raw emotion behind it is going to be real, my friends. I am not one for sadness. I am not one to put my heartache on public display. I am not one for giving my heart up so easily for just anyone......and so it happens. Ivy and I can relate in so many aspects.
Dammit. I don't know why that always happens. Everytime I think I'm completely different from a character, it turns out I could be their twin.

I remember about 3 years ago, I was Ariel in Footloose. And I cannot tell you how completely uncomfortable I was trying to be "sexy." Oh my gawd, it killed me. I was a wreck after every rehearsal because I felt so incredibly exposed.
Now, that may seem absolutely ridiculous to alot of you who know me. Because I am quite affectionate and I am very confident in myself and my body. But for some reason, being sexy on stage just gave me the heebie-jeebies. Because I was forced to reach inside of my heart and grab the things that scared me most: vulnerability and seriousness. Which to this day, I struggle with constantly. I have a hard time confronting anyone about my emotional pain. I have a hard time telling a guy I actually like him (not the silly flirting, I mean the really telling him how you feel). I think most people like myself (self-proclaimed comedians) are actually terrified of letting people into our hearts. Most people who grow up using comedy as a tool, are actually afraid to do anything else. I heard in a movie once a man say, "If I can't laugh about it, I avoid it all together." And wow, that quote hit home. I can't tell you how many situations I've withdrawn from if I knew that I could potentially cry in front of someone. It's kinda sad actually...okay, pathetic would be better. But the human heart and our minds are tricky beasts sometimes. We all react differently to things and we all handle crisis in our own way. Like they say, we all mourn in different ways..but we all love the same.

So needless to say, this new challenge which I'm thrilled about! (the stage sex) is going to be hard. Not only to physically do all of that while singing, but also because it's going to strike a nerve in me that hasn't been struck in a long time. I won't just be dancing all sexy-like as when I was Ariel. I will now be the sexy-slut. A brand new character on my resume, but nothing I can't handle. :) and it's going to knock your socks off!

I told a friend the other day, I have never learned more about myself in any other situation than when I've been on stage. I really love it, actually. As uncomfortable as it makes me sometimes or as stressed out as I get over it, being Ivy is helping me overcome some of my own fears. As so many of my other roles have done.
Theatre is such a positive outlet for me. I'm so glad I've come this far with it.

I won't be alone, though. It helps knowing Jake has never done anything like this either. Which will make this process much less stressful. We can help each other, and I love when two actors have to pull together to make something work.

I absolutely love bare. I listen to it on my I-pod even when I'm not practicing on my own. It's on in my car continuously and I can't talk about anything else when I'm with my friends. I'm really excited for this one!

My fortune cookie today said: "Versatility is one of your outstanding traits." Hehehe, I think so!

Mark your calendars June 2nd thru the 25th. You won't wanna miss out on this show. <3

Adios Muchachos!

A little late..but here is my parting piece from Two Gentlemen of Verona!

What a fantastic show! And what fantastic energy! I love performing a piece of theatre and making it new each and every night. It's exciting to have that sensation of "this is it, guys!" but also to feel as if it's opening night. A show like Two Gents requires a fresh energy each performance. And we most certainly provided more than enough every single weekend!

Two Gents quickly rose to the top of the list of Favorite shows for myself and several of my friends. And really, I don't think it was just the show itself. (Anyone can read a script and sing the music in the score.) I think Two Gents was so successful because of our cast and our direction. New Line theatre changes an audience's perspective. Being in such an intimate and small venue, producing shows that have real-life situations and feelings, choosing productions that relay truth and diversity. It all plays a part in why New Line theatre won big with Two Gents and why every show put on there ends up captivating its crowd!

I am so blessed that I have been able to work with New Line. My love for theatre has only grown since I've been here and I've developed not only as a better performer but as a better individual. :)
I'm incredibly fortunate that I get to help New Line influence theatre goers' hearts and minds.

Two Gents, I love and miss you already. Wow, we had so much fun didn't we? I never thought I'd say it, but I kind of love being a man :)

Now on to bare. A brand new character for me to create and a role that is far different from myself...or so I think. I can't wait to find out! This one---you will not want to miss!

Then, thus, of many good I think us best!

I have alot of random thoughts today. Which is normally what my blogs consist of anyways! So here goes:

GREAT reviews for Two Gents! Wow, seriously! Awesome praise for our fantastic work! Way to be cast. We basically rule the planet now. Well, at least the realm of theatre in St. Louis anyways. :)
I love when the reviews come out. I get so anxious to read what our critics really think. Whether they liked it, loved it, or hated it. It's exciting to spread the news, whatever it may be. Reviews intrigue readers; they'll come check us out to make the final call on whether the critics were right or wrong. And nothing gets me more excited than a curious audience!
You must know, though. The critics are right. We are fantastic, we are terrific!!!
So thank you, theatre goers! For reading reviews, and wanting to experience our silliness with us on stage every weekend. And thank you, critics, for respecting and acknowledging great theatre!


I can't tell you how wonderful it is to hear that we accomplished our endeavors and effectively connected with our audiences this weekend. Thursday and Friday night were both great crowds! Especially Friday night's people. Man, they were so interactive!! Which makes performing a thousand times more invigorating. When an audience feeds off of our energy, we feed off of their's. And goodnesssssssss! It is such a sensation!
Saturday, however...was a little less vocal of their appreciation. Which, didn't affect our delicious performance at all!! We still gave them a perfect show! But I certainly didn't get my fix I needed that night (geeze, I am such a performance junkie). I sort of felt like I had just given a fabulous audition...and during my audition I got the stare down of, "why are you wasting my time." Man, I really hate that feeling. When ya walk in, sing your heart out and you just exude happiness and greatness. But then they look up from their papers, gawk at you a bit, then say, "Thank you, Terrie," and send me away. It's really discouraging.
Of course, Saturday night's audience did indeed love us and our show! And maybe they were so frozen solid that they couldn't physically laugh or coo. I know we were! and we were groovin' it up on stage. Don't think I didn't appreciate our audience. I did! I just didn't get that connection with them. And for me, that's what I most crave about performing. Reaching inside of the people's hearts and minds with song and dance. Haha, okay that sounds really cheesy. But it's for real!
Okay..I was at a party a few weeks ago. And I had so much fun, playing cards and dancing and reminiscing and so on. Well, my friend that I had shown up to the party with wasn't as enthralled as I was. So when we were driving home he said something along the lines of he wished that he hadn't of gone; he would've rather stayed at home to practice his guitar. My rebuttle was that I think it's important for people to spend time with each other, even if we want to be alone, it's necessary to have human interaction. It fuels something inside of us, it keeps us feeling. To be able to talk to and touch our friends was good for us. He said that was fine and dandy, but he needs alot of alone time to make really good music. Which, he does. So his argument seems justified. However...I explained to him that as an actor, it is very necessary for me to interact with other people. Constantly. There's plenty of alone time involved with creating characters, yes, but connection with real-life people is what makes our performances actually real.
You see, I feel that actors must try to experience everything they can possibly get their hands on. New food, new places, new styles, new music, a whole buncha things! We must be versatile. We must have open minds. And personally, I feel that connections with ALL different kinds of people help me the most in creating my characters. And the deeper the connection with people, the more I get out of the entire experience.
I've always been a "people-person." I love people; I hate people. I can't get enough of people. We're the most intricate, most ridiculous creatures. And I love how we function. I love our bodies, our minds, our perceptions, our science.
Theatre, I have found, is alot like psychology. Theatre has shown me alot about people. And much more about myself.

My point is...All of my relationships: Every random stranger that I've conversated with. Every person I've just observed from a distance. Every boyfriend I've had. Every friend that I've learned every nook and cranny of. My family. My friends' families. My teachers. My students. My neighbors. Every actor I see in a movie.
Everyone of them has broadened my knowledge of life, love, and living.
And to portray that on stage for an audience and for an audience to feel what I feel. Well....I can't tell you just how special that experience is for me. I need it to be happy. I need it to be the best performer I can be. I need it to be me.


So what this all boils down to is: LAUGH at us! BOO at us. Just do something to let us know that you, our audience, are involved in our madness. Or we'll have to take Lord Farquaad's approach in holding up signs that read: "Applause," "Giggle," "Awe." hahhaa, and that just isn't nearly as fun as letting you choose how to react to our production. :))



True Blood will be starting up again in a few months. And pools will be opening too. Smoothies will need to be made. Frisbee will need to be played. And bare will be premiering at New Line. :)))
Summer, Summer. I am most like you, dear season. Hot and refreshing...and sometimes, too much for people to handle ;)


Can I just remind you all of how much I love Two Gents. I mean, really! Can I say it anymore?! Probably. And I will.
I love Two Gentlemen of Verona. As will you.
come join our love train!

I must say, you do look familiar...

Holy Crap. Last night was SO GREAT!!!! What energy! Seriously, that was such a sensational performance. The audience was fantastic too! So fantastic. Which is always really great. To feed off of their energy is really intense. Becoming one with an audience and having this magnitude of ONE-ness...It's a really awesome feeling; it's unexplainable. You just need to know that it's exhilarating. And I live for that feeling! I think we all do, really. To love and to be loved. :)

Two Gents is the most exciting show I've ever been a part of. I mean really. Evita was so great, and I had a really personal connection to the show. But Two Gents has such an uplifting spirit in it. I absolutely love being onstage with this cast every night. And I am absolutely pumped to see what else this show has to offer. Every night something new happens, whether we intentionally make a change or not, we feel something new with each performance. We create new energy and serious funky groove. I love every minute of this experience. Goodness gracious, I love theatre.

Yesterday was also my 22nd birthday. And Two Gents was by far the best gift I could've gotten. :)
When you come see Two Gentlemen of Verona at New Line theatre be ready to get your socks rocked off. And be ready to get slim and sexy with all the laughing you'll be doing.

This feeling is all too familiar...and I couldn't be more thrilled!