You're nowhere near the top five..

Okay, here they are. The five things I've tuned into recently. I think they're about Rob's most recent girlfriend.

One: She eats her boogers. Usually very dry, but also surprisingly delicate on the palate.

Two: She got Summer's Eve feminine wash. She's cleanly and scent free, and if she's having a bad day, she doesn't take it out on other people. She just washes with Summer's Eve.

Three: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry, but some people as far as your senses are concerned just...taste like Bandana's barbecue.

Four: I really dig how she doesn't shave her thighs. But her calves are as smooth as silk. She's just not affected, I guess..by the chafing the hair on her thighs leave behind. It's really beautiful.

Five: She does this thing in bed before we pass out. She takes 5 & 1/2 Ambiens and rubs her old nipple holes an equal number of times. It just kills me that she took out those nipple rings 4 years ago and she can still put a straw through them to drink her sour apple pucker.

Six: She's always bloated. I really dig a chick that looks like she's retaining water all of the time. Something about ovulating really gets me goin'. Beer only makes this occasion even better.

And she stocks up on tampons, even though she doesn't use them. Ever. It's really cute. And really efficient.

Seven, or Eight, I guess: She eats her boogers. Everyone I know just wipes them under the car seat, but Laura has a real appreciation for the mucosa glands. Never lets one get by without savoring the shit out of it first.

Nine: I'm not sorry for this---her cocaine addiction. Which she thinks I don't know about! If I walk into the kitchen and she's making brownies, she immediately spreads it over the batter so it looks like powdered sugar. But I know what she's doing, and it's adorable. What she doesn't know is...I do it too. There's really no need for us to hide it from each other.

Ten: She thinks abortion is a really really groovy deal.

Anyway....


Those are the things Rob really thinks about what's-her-face. And us ex-girlfriends know. Because we're inside his head. Forever.

Excuse me, I was wondering...

Who is John Tesh?

Maybe this is common knowledge...but I doubt it. Even Google asked me if I meant to type something else. You gotta be kidding me, Anna. John Tesh!
I thought for sure I knew where I was going with Anna...until now. When I youtubed John Tesh and all his flowy blonde hair glory, I was at a loss for words. I wanted to call Anna up and tell her she's retarded and that I never want to talk to her again. I can see why Barry hates you so much! Then I thought, no. It's not her fault. Someone wrote this---this character that could adore John TESH (and whoever thought up this character trait should be punched in the face). No, Anna is not to blame. And whether I like it or not I have to embrace her and all her absurdities.
I figure everyone can change over time, right? Unfortunately I can't make time rewrite High Fidelity so that I don't have to pretend to like this jolly green piano player for the next 2 months.
John Tesh. He can't be that bad...or can he. He used to host Entertainment Tonight with Mary Hart. I like her. If she liked John then maybe I could learn to?

I watched some Live at the Red Rocks. Interesting to say the least. I have never seen people so happy to play instruments in my life. It's like this really strange symphonic sex thing going on. Weird vibes. I was very confused. Very.
I looked further into this 6 foot 6 inch Jesus freak and it turns out, he can play the piano really really well! So...he's got that going for him at least, eh?
I'm not too keen on his vocal work. Or his suit colors for that matter. So what in the world can I love about John Tesh?! Don't even get me started on his radio show!
Initially I thought he was fairly attractive. But I'm into that big 80's do. And he's tall. I like that too. He has nice hands. But I'm not sure Anna likes him for the way he looks...

She likes his music. (I wish you could see the distress in my face right now)
Is Anna religious? No. No way. Why would she be in Championship Vinyl if she was looking for Sunday morning sing-a-longs. (Sorry, Mom. Sorry, God) There's just no way. Maybe she's just confused. I think Dick is right about her being into learning stuff, so it won't be a problem. Maybe John Tesh was a real smokin' hottie back in the day...or maybe Anna has just been exposed to terrible music her whole life. She seems curious enough. We'll see where this all goes.

Fact: I thought John Tesh was Mr. Camden from Seventh Heaven before all these shenanigans took place.

After discovering this, I think I can take a breath and chill the eff out:


Nice save, Anna. I think we can all go back to being friends now.