Wow! New Line's bare was so good this opening weekend, I don't know if I can handle the intensity the next 3 weekends are about to hand over!...NOT! the more intense our runs become, the more invested I become. I cannot wait to feel the heat rise onstage!
I really love this show. I'm not talking about the characters or my awesome cast, but really--the show. Bare has such powerful messages. Alot of which, apply to my own personal life. Though at Pacific High school, I wouldn't exactly consider myself an out-casted student.
I quit soccer my sophomore year to pursue my theatrical endeavors further and I soon become the definition of the "show-choir" geek. Furthermore, I wore brightly colored outfits most of which entailed leggings and my neon tutus. I was Fran Drescher's look-alike (this was before Lea Michelle came onto the screen and took Fran's spot as my doppelganger rudely away.) with the obnoxious ensembles and the all the charm to go with it. I was an honor-roll student, mainly because of my freak memory (not so much that I was smart) and I was practically friends with everyone. I didn't have many boyfriends..not that anyone knew about anyhow. I'm sure there were some people who didn't love me so much, probably my teachers more so than anyone since I rarely took anything seriously. Yet apparently I was well-liked amongst my classmates, since I was voted prom queen when up next to 3 very "popular" girls.
I had a few extremely close friends, whom still hold my heart in their hands today. And I had many, many friends from all parts of my life: church, theatre, ECC, camp, and school. All of which, I had close bonds with. Friendship has meant more to me than anything else my entire life. High school only fueled that part of me even more.
Most people would say that I was a very happy person, a great student. I loved learning, I loved being with the people I loved everyday, I even loved our cafeteria food with a sick passion. Not many people would ever tell you that I dealt with alot of darkness on the inside. And what's that they say? "The people you least expect to be depressed or commit suicide, are usually the ones who face it." Now, I never wanted to kill myself. Never crossed my mind. I'm far too in love with being alive for that. But my depression was a wicked being. One that kept me from trusting. Kept me from loving whole-heartedly. It kept me at 100 feet away from anyone trying to get to know who I was, or worse--where I came from.
Quite similar to Ivy, I was someone very different on the inside. Except luckily for me, my classmates got to see the sunshine rather than the darkness. Ivy lets everyone see the badness, and never the goodness within her.
People don't get to hear about my family life. Very few souls have ever heard my side of the story. Not from embarrassment, but from the amount of sadness and anger that literally clog my throat when it came time to discuss family. Now don't get me wrong, my family life is peachy compared to many other's. But there was still enough dysfunction to put me into a frenzy for years to come. We went to church 3 times a week, sometimes more. My parents are very righteous people, who instilled very good values in me very early on in life. If it weren't for the ethics and morals they taught me, I certainly would've been leading a very destructive life by now I'm sure. I was also very fortunate within my misfortune to have 2 half-siblings that are 5 and 9 years older than me. Thank goodness I was smart enough to be silent and observe.. I found out very quickly and very early who I did not want to be: my sister.
My oldest sister has been a drug-addict for years...for as long as I've known her. Her addiction broke my family and destroyed any relationship between us that could've ever existed. All I ever learned from her, was how to lie. My sisters we very cruel to me growing up. My dad was in school all day everyday, and my mom was gone 12 hours out of the day everyday. Plenty of time for my older sisters to kick me in every direction and call me every name in the book. I found refuge quickly, though. In nature, in music, and most impacting--friendships.
There is plenty of psychological bull that goes along with my life's story. But the point of this all, is that I was a very hurt soul during my high school days. I opened my arms and mind to any guidance leading me away from my pain at any given chance. I don't have a relationship with my drug-addict sister. I have mended the one with my other sister, though. As we've gotten older, it's been much easier to figure out that we were both the victims of our stories. The relationship I have with my parents is unlike most. I regret to tell you that it's not the best, actually. I love them very much, as they do me. But since elementary school, I have been jarred by their attentiveness to my eldest sister and her negativity she brings to every memory. I have been in the shadow of her since day one. And I have never been given the chance to be anything but. Whatever I did growing up, was immediately compared to what my sisters did. I was never separated from them in my parenting. All I wanted was to have a chance to be different, and prove to my parents that I was. Which...I have for the last 22 years. I am so incredibly opposite of my sisters, I couldn't be more grateful.
I still have alot of anger. Alot of sadness. And alot of things to work on. A lifetime of all that, it takes time to heal. I work on it everyday.
Bare holds all the dark moments that I experienced in high school. I questioned faith, I questioned everything about the church and often still do. I was constantly torn to let my family see who I really was, because I knew they wouldn't approve of the things I believed or the person I had become. No, I'm not gay. But I still plead for acceptance. Yes, I was an A+ student my entire life. But I still struggle to be seen as the fun person I am. No, I didn't ever do drugs or get involved into alcohol or was promiscuous. And yet, I still was "unworthy" of my church's pride. I was always confused as to why I felt like the church didn't want me to be who I felt I needed to be. I'm a great person. I constantly search for new knowledge, to find love and experience anything new and keep searching for peace in my heart. I am financially stable and have lived a very adult life for a long long time now. But for some reason, I still have to fight to be "seen." I still long for acceptance. I still battle judgement from Christ-like individuals from my background all the time.
Playing Ivy isn't so different from letting you see the darker side of myself. "All Grown Up," may be about Ivy's tragedy but it's very symbolic and pertinent in my own life. I didn't get pregnant, no. However, all my life I've struggled to release my inhibitions. I've always been afraid to let people see who I really am. Ivy's tale is far more depressing than mine, but finding out who you really are and living in confusion for so long is such a struggle for anyone. "Seventeen, how will I manage," my favorite line..High school was where I decided whether I was going to be happy whether I was given permission or not. Man, high school was really hard. Everyone knows. I've had a wonderful life. But there has been a mask hiding my lacerations for too long. Hiding is easy, facing your truth and finding your light is what's hard.
I think an important message bare sends is this, parents: make sure your children are aware that you love them. Do not ever think for one second that you don't need to remind them. Especially if you've never seen eye-to-eye. I can ignore the church's judgement. But thinking that my parents don't like me? That's so much more degrading.
High school is such a vulnerable time for kids. We learn so much about ourselves and life and relationships. It's so important for us to know that it's okay to be who we want to be, just as long as we're not hurting anyone or ourselves.
Random thought: India Arie's "Heart of the Matter", "you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside." Great song.
We all have our battles. We all have sides of us no one gets to see. But we're all beautiful people. And none of us should ever hold back in life just because we think someone we love won't love us anymore if we let them see who we really are.
<3 <3 <3 bare is fantastic. do not miss this one, friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment