Tuesday, May 29, 2012

You're nowhere near the top five..

Okay, here they are. The five things I've tuned into recently. I think they're about Rob's most recent girlfriend.

One: She eats her boogers. Usually very dry, but also surprisingly delicate on the palate.

Two: She got Summer's Eve feminine wash. She's cleanly and scent free, and if she's having a bad day, she doesn't take it out on other people. She just washes with Summer's Eve.

Three: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry, but some people as far as your senses are concerned just...taste like Bandana's barbecue.

Four: I really dig how she doesn't shave her thighs. But her calves are as smooth as silk. She's just not affected, I guess..by the chafing the hair on her thighs leave behind. It's really beautiful.

Five: She does this thing in bed before we pass out. She takes 5 & 1/2 Ambiens and rubs her old nipple holes an equal number of times. It just kills me that she took out those nipple rings 4 years ago and she can still put a straw through them to drink her sour apple pucker.

Six: She's always bloated. I really dig a chick that looks like she's retaining water all of the time. Something about ovulating really gets me goin'. Beer only makes this occasion even better.

And she stocks up on tampons, even though she doesn't use them. Ever. It's really cute. And really efficient.

Seven, or Eight, I guess: She eats her boogers. Everyone I know just wipes them under the car seat, but Laura has a real appreciation for the mucosa glands. Never lets one get by without savoring the shit out of it first.

Nine: I'm not sorry for this---her cocaine addiction. Which she thinks I don't know about! If I walk into the kitchen and she's making brownies, she immediately spreads it over the batter so it looks like powdered sugar. But I know what she's doing, and it's adorable. What she doesn't know is...I do it too. There's really no need for us to hide it from each other.

Ten: She thinks abortion is a really really groovy deal.


Those are the things Rob really thinks about what's-her-face. And us ex-girlfriends know. Because we're inside his head. Forever.

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