Memories that fade and flicker, burn again when I pretend.

Here it is, our final weekend of bare. And I am so sad.
I have put on 3 fabulous productions with New Line theatre now: Evita, Two Gentlemen of Verona and bare. Each show has meant something incredible to me. They've all touched me in such a personal way and they've all really pushed me to be better each time.

A few months before I was cast in Evita, my best friend of 13 years was severely injured in a car accident. The one person who could make everything better, my confidant, my right hand. My life shattered when I thought that I had lost her, and fortunately she survived and fought the odds against her. She proved the doctors wrong and 4 months out of a coma she came back kicking and screaming and progressing her way back to who she was before the wreck. It's been over a year now, and she's really impressed us all with her strength and courage.
I mention this only because Evita was a difficult production for me to persue at the time. If you read my previous blogs of my Evita experience, I discuss how much "Eva Peron" meant to my ensemble character. Evita changed her life. Evita saved the people. She rescued us! She cared about us. And, she was one of us.
Kati, my best friend, was my Evita. Watching Eva die in front of us, and dreading the level of difficulty our lives would reach without her was devastating. It brought me back to ICU waiting room every night.
Evita gave me hope. It allowed me to transport my own anguish and pain into my character as the mistress so easily. Really, the entire production was just very symbolic to what was and had already gone on in my life.
I had just graduated ECC. I was working everyday all day, already bored out of my mind as too-soon-adult. And I had no idea what I was going to do without my friends, one unable to speak to me due to a car accident and the other headed off to L.A. to pursue her dreams. Where was I going to end up? What was I going to do?
"So what happens now? Where am I going to? Don't ask anymore." No one will ever know what that song meant to me. I'm so grateful I auditioned for New Line's Evita, it changed my perspective when I needed it most.

Then we had Two Gentlemen of Verona. :) A show that had so many small moments that completely mirrored my own life at some point, but that didn't strike such a soft nerve as Evita did. Boyfriends cheating, following someone you love to the end of the earth, changing who you are to try to keep someone around, releasing your anger and forgiving the people that hurt you, finding love in the most unexpected of places, and of course being the cynical yet strangely optimistic friend that loves you no matter what. Haha, there were alot of those moments in Two Gents that I thought, "Geeze, I've been there way too many times."
I really loved Two Gents for one reason, though. I got to transfer so many of my own quirky qualities into Lucetta/Cesario! I mean, that role was probably the least amount of acting I have ever had to exert onstage. Most of what you saw in Two Gents, that was SO much of Terrie, it's ridiculous!
But since I'm blogging of the symbolism in my life to all of the New Line show's I've been a part of so far, here's this. I had gone through such a whirlwind of emotion last year with the car accident and with my relationship of 2&1/2 years with my boyfriend ending abruptly and having to find a new place to live, buying a new car, and oh my god so much more. It was rough. But I wasn't letting it keep me down, and I worked really hard to get back to a happy place. Fortunately, Two Gent's rehearsal started when I had just moved to Ballwin and I was single and so incredibly happy with my new beginning. Two Gentlemen of Verona is such a loose and freeing musical, you can't help but be happy when you see it. Being privileged to play Lucetta/Cesario really helped complete my inner-peace-circle in my heart. That may seem very strange to you readers, but it's true. Being able to just let loose onstage and dance and love and sing like a hippie really brought all of my "newness" to life. And I think it really showed. March 2011 was one of my happiest months in a very long time.
Again, New Line theatre. I don't know what it is about you, but you bring me such joy. My casts, my crews, my characters. I have no restraints at New Line. I can be honest with myself and with the audience. It's really sensational and it's incredibly fulfilling.

As for bare...well, you've already read about what it means to me. Or maybe I've been really terrible at relaying my thoughts during this blogging period. Probably! since I do it at work and am constantly getting up and down having to retrace my thoughts and feelings throughout the process. Haha, anyways that's not important. I'll save my final bare blog for my finishing thoughts on the show.


Being an actor is really cool. Thank you, theatre gods, for leading me down this path. :)


This weekend is going to get crazy. We are all so comfortable in our roles now, all 3 nights are really going to rock the theatre. I am so happy that we have been able to impact so many people with our performances. Several people have returned to see our show multiple times, and everyone I've spoken to who's seen it can't stop raving about how influenced they were. Bare is a touching story. It has a beautiful message of love and acceptance that I think we all should revel in.


I am a Pisces.
I was once a cat.
Pasta with a red-meat sauce is my favorite dish.
Froyo has been the most visited place on my bank statement this month.
I am optimistic.
I kiss far better than I cook.
And those purple leggings are the most comfortable costume piece ever. :)
Love life and everything in it. <3

Totally Fu....wait, wrong show..

I don't know why everyone keeps comparing bare to Spring Awakening. I admit, I used to when I first heard the music last year. But after reading the script and doing my own personal character analysis, I'm having a hard time seeing the resemblance. I love Spring Awakening, and I love bare. But they are 2 very different musicals, with all-together totally different messages. I think the real similarities are teen pregnancy, poppish show-tunes, suicide, and parental disapproval. Other than that, I think bare is far deeper and much more pertinent to today's society than Spring Awakening. Their message would've hit home maybe like 300 years ago! Haha, okay that's a bit melodramatic. But really...we had a review from KDHX today that compared bare to Spring, and honestly, it kinda irked me a little bit. Not the review, just the comparison of the 2 musicals.
I guess my thinking is this: 2 story lines may be completely parallel, but they way they are both performed and executed can be completely opposite. Take for instance a movie like...Tombstone and Wild Earp. Or Antz and A Bug's Life. Or Dancing with Wolves and Avatar. Premise of all of these movies are perfectly alike. However, all movies made a different impact on us when we saw them. The actors moved us differently, the CGI effects made us ooh and aww louder and longer, the jokes were delivered just right each time and overall made us feel completely different---even though, the 2 story lines were strikingly similar and were products of each other.
It's sort of like music too! One dance song sounds just like another when I'm at the club, but each song (no matter how similar they be) stir a different sensation in my dancing feet.

My point: bare and Spring Awakening may indeed be alike in some areas. But they are so different. And each production has great value and great messages to be told.

But if I had to choose, bare of course is better. :) I'm also a little bias now, though.

I am filled with such a sense of fulfillment when our audience members tell us how deeply we moved them. I live and breathe to please my audience. I believe in the story I'm relaying. And I want nothing more than to touch your hearts and minds during a performance. Whether I'm dressed as a ridiculously tiny man Cesario or whether I'm in purple spankies and a cut off t-shirt as the high school bad girl. Theatre has brought such meaning to my life. More so than anything else I've ever experienced. Gotta love those fine arts!

We've got 5 performances left..only 5 :( I'm really going to miss this show and my spectacular fun-filled cast and crew. I only wish that I could continue to spread our message every weekend this summer. I guess that's really the only sad part about our jobs as actors---the show ends at some point. Often too early for our liking.

Bare: the pop-opera. The most important production on my resume.


True Blood season 4 beginning June 26th will be the next highlight of my saucy summer! GaHHHH!!! I love my life. :)

Look at me. I'm all grown up.

Wow! New Line's bare was so good this opening weekend, I don't know if I can handle the intensity the next 3 weekends are about to hand over!...NOT! the more intense our runs become, the more invested I become. I cannot wait to feel the heat rise onstage!

I really love this show. I'm not talking about the characters or my awesome cast, but really--the show. Bare has such powerful messages. Alot of which, apply to my own personal life. Though at Pacific High school, I wouldn't exactly consider myself an out-casted student.
I quit soccer my sophomore year to pursue my theatrical endeavors further and I soon become the definition of the "show-choir" geek. Furthermore, I wore brightly colored outfits most of which entailed leggings and my neon tutus. I was Fran Drescher's look-alike (this was before Lea Michelle came onto the screen and took Fran's spot as my doppelganger rudely away.) with the obnoxious ensembles and the all the charm to go with it. I was an honor-roll student, mainly because of my freak memory (not so much that I was smart) and I was practically friends with everyone. I didn't have many boyfriends..not that anyone knew about anyhow. I'm sure there were some people who didn't love me so much, probably my teachers more so than anyone since I rarely took anything seriously. Yet apparently I was well-liked amongst my classmates, since I was voted prom queen when up next to 3 very "popular" girls.
I had a few extremely close friends, whom still hold my heart in their hands today. And I had many, many friends from all parts of my life: church, theatre, ECC, camp, and school. All of which, I had close bonds with. Friendship has meant more to me than anything else my entire life. High school only fueled that part of me even more.
Most people would say that I was a very happy person, a great student. I loved learning, I loved being with the people I loved everyday, I even loved our cafeteria food with a sick passion. Not many people would ever tell you that I dealt with alot of darkness on the inside. And what's that they say? "The people you least expect to be depressed or commit suicide, are usually the ones who face it." Now, I never wanted to kill myself. Never crossed my mind. I'm far too in love with being alive for that. But my depression was a wicked being. One that kept me from trusting. Kept me from loving whole-heartedly. It kept me at 100 feet away from anyone trying to get to know who I was, or worse--where I came from.
Quite similar to Ivy, I was someone very different on the inside. Except luckily for me, my classmates got to see the sunshine rather than the darkness. Ivy lets everyone see the badness, and never the goodness within her.
People don't get to hear about my family life. Very few souls have ever heard my side of the story. Not from embarrassment, but from the amount of sadness and anger that literally clog my throat when it came time to discuss family. Now don't get me wrong, my family life is peachy compared to many other's. But there was still enough dysfunction to put me into a frenzy for years to come. We went to church 3 times a week, sometimes more. My parents are very righteous people, who instilled very good values in me very early on in life. If it weren't for the ethics and morals they taught me, I certainly would've been leading a very destructive life by now I'm sure. I was also very fortunate within my misfortune to have 2 half-siblings that are 5 and 9 years older than me. Thank goodness I was smart enough to be silent and observe.. I found out very quickly and very early who I did not want to be: my sister.
My oldest sister has been a drug-addict for years...for as long as I've known her. Her addiction broke my family and destroyed any relationship between us that could've ever existed. All I ever learned from her, was how to lie. My sisters we very cruel to me growing up. My dad was in school all day everyday, and my mom was gone 12 hours out of the day everyday. Plenty of time for my older sisters to kick me in every direction and call me every name in the book. I found refuge quickly, though. In nature, in music, and most impacting--friendships.
There is plenty of psychological bull that goes along with my life's story. But the point of this all, is that I was a very hurt soul during my high school days. I opened my arms and mind to any guidance leading me away from my pain at any given chance. I don't have a relationship with my drug-addict sister. I have mended the one with my other sister, though. As we've gotten older, it's been much easier to figure out that we were both the victims of our stories. The relationship I have with my parents is unlike most. I regret to tell you that it's not the best, actually. I love them very much, as they do me. But since elementary school, I have been jarred by their attentiveness to my eldest sister and her negativity she brings to every memory. I have been in the shadow of her since day one. And I have never been given the chance to be anything but. Whatever I did growing up, was immediately compared to what my sisters did. I was never separated from them in my parenting. All I wanted was to have a chance to be different, and prove to my parents that I was. Which...I have for the last 22 years. I am so incredibly opposite of my sisters, I couldn't be more grateful.
I still have alot of anger. Alot of sadness. And alot of things to work on. A lifetime of all that, it takes time to heal. I work on it everyday.
Bare holds all the dark moments that I experienced in high school. I questioned faith, I questioned everything about the church and often still do. I was constantly torn to let my family see who I really was, because I knew they wouldn't approve of the things I believed or the person I had become. No, I'm not gay. But I still plead for acceptance. Yes, I was an A+ student my entire life. But I still struggle to be seen as the fun person I am. No, I didn't ever do drugs or get involved into alcohol or was promiscuous. And yet, I still was "unworthy" of my church's pride. I was always confused as to why I felt like the church didn't want me to be who I felt I needed to be. I'm a great person. I constantly search for new knowledge, to find love and experience anything new and keep searching for peace in my heart. I am financially stable and have lived a very adult life for a long long time now. But for some reason, I still have to fight to be "seen." I still long for acceptance. I still battle judgement from Christ-like individuals from my background all the time.
Playing Ivy isn't so different from letting you see the darker side of myself. "All Grown Up," may be about Ivy's tragedy but it's very symbolic and pertinent in my own life. I didn't get pregnant, no. However, all my life I've struggled to release my inhibitions. I've always been afraid to let people see who I really am. Ivy's tale is far more depressing than mine, but finding out who you really are and living in confusion for so long is such a struggle for anyone. "Seventeen, how will I manage," my favorite line..High school was where I decided whether I was going to be happy whether I was given permission or not. Man, high school was really hard. Everyone knows. I've had a wonderful life. But there has been a mask hiding my lacerations for too long. Hiding is easy, facing your truth and finding your light is what's hard.


I think an important message bare sends is this, parents: make sure your children are aware that you love them. Do not ever think for one second that you don't need to remind them. Especially if you've never seen eye-to-eye. I can ignore the church's judgement. But thinking that my parents don't like me? That's so much more degrading.
High school is such a vulnerable time for kids. We learn so much about ourselves and life and relationships. It's so important for us to know that it's okay to be who we want to be, just as long as we're not hurting anyone or ourselves.


Random thought: India Arie's "Heart of the Matter", "you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside." Great song.

We all have our battles. We all have sides of us no one gets to see. But we're all beautiful people. And none of us should ever hold back in life just because we think someone we love won't love us anymore if we let them see who we really are.

<3 <3 <3 bare is fantastic. do not miss this one, friends.

If you like me kiss me, don't stop.

Okay. This needs to be said before anything else: the cast of bare is insanely fun! Seriously, I don't think I have ever had so many connections with so many of my cast mates before. We are a ridiculous bunch, whether we have been drinking or not. ;) you know what I mean, boys and girls of bare!

I actually want to blog about the cast today. Because I think alot of us have gotten pretty close these past few weeks, and it really adds to the show's realness I think. Who knew that some pizza and King's cup is all we needed to really loosen up. :))

I love that theatre is such a social event sometimes. Not to Scott's liking because of how vociferous we become occasionally, lol. But because of how close you get to the people in your cast. Especially in a show like this, where we're all high schoolers that have grown up together. We have to recreate those background relationships with people we've only known in reality for a couple of months. Which is probably the easiest part of the job for me. I make friends pretty fast, and I usually keep those friendships alive for a very long time. It's amazing to me how I can make friendships last a lifetime, but I can't keep a real relationship with a man last for more than a few months. Whatevs. Some of us are just born to be free, eh? :)
My point is, our fake high school relationships have evolved into real-time friendships. And I couldn't be more excited to have all of these wonderful young adults a part of my life now.

So now we've got St. Cecilia's clicks arranged just right:

Ivy, Tanya, and Kyra---total mean girl club. We're the ultimate bitches of the school, you mess with us and we'll kill you...or have sex with you. We get to choose.

Matt and Nadia---outcasted for no apparent reason other than being goodie-too shoos and maybe not meeting up to the "cool" standards because of their looks or grade point average. Matt has some seriously awkward social skills.

Jason and Peter---apparent "besties" our whole lives. Jason, the over-achiever and total smokin' hottie that doesn't want any of us girls. Peter, the peace-keeper. Everyone is friends with Peter! He's the only one that tries to keep everyone happy. And of course, to keep Nadia and Ivy from murdering each other.

Alan, Rory, and Zach---typical high schoolers. Zach is a total douche, even to his totally hott girl Kyra. Rory is the quirky loner, but freakin' hott and untouchable! Alan, in my opinion, is a total ladies man. He's got brains and looks.

Lucas---stoner, drug-dealer, friends with everyone because he's clearly got all the goods. Alcohol, X, and of course, an endless amount of condoms. Haha, I guess he thinks he's getting lucky with my girl Tanya :)

Diane Lee---nerd all the way! Probably the only one actually following the Catholic teachings and is totally prude. Hahaha, she really tries though! She's trying to find her way just like the rest of us. And just because she isn't gay, and doesn't do drugs and doesn't have sex she's still trying to find her place. She's still trying to be accepted.

It's really interesting to me that most of us are alarmingly like our characters. In one way or another.

Now the reality clicks? Well, there really aren't any. There's alot of Webster students that have known each other for a while. And then there's several of us New Liners that have been together for a few shows now. But I really think we all mesh perfectly. There's no tension, there's jokes flying every direction, and someone is walking into rehearsal everyday with a person they haven't arrived with before. I really feel good with these people. I really love them all. Which makes it more difficult to be mean to all of them in the show!

We are all such unique individuals. We are all so different and yet so much alike. Put these real relationships onto the stage of bare, and you're in for a treat.

I think I've finally nailed Ivy. Hehe, not literally. After some counsel with Scott, her and I stopped arguing finally. I, of course, had to give in to her (like most people do). Once I took myself out of the equation, it was so much easier to really get into character. Now that Ivy is a total rockin' mean girl, I've been able to let a little bit of myself slip into her softer moments. Which I always appreciate a role that I can somehow incorporate my own traits into, if it's appropriate of course.
I still haven't figured out why tech rehearsal was my breaking point; where I finally released Ivy's inner rockstar. I guess I was having a hard time up until then because I thought if I was melodramatic, that I'd be too over the top. Apparently not! It's exactly what my character creation was missing. Like Scott keeps reminding us, this is an opera. It may be a pop-opera, but nonetheless it needs to be big! I can't even describe to you how awesome it is to rock this way. It's really cool, man.

We're here. We preview tomorrow night! This is the point of no return, officially. It's nerve-wracking, it's terrifying, it's exciting, it's exhilarating, and it's time to rock-out!

I think I'm most excited about sending the message of love and acceptance to our audiences. Yes, Jason's struggle is being gay and being accepted in his family and social role, etc. But there are so many of us, who have no social restraints but still struggle with being accepted. There is nothing worse than to think that you are unloved; to have no one understand. There are plenty of straight men and women who are also hoping to be accepted by their families. Either because they don't follow the same religious views, or because they had a baby out of wedlock, or just because they've always been in the shadows of other siblings. There are all sorts of dysfunctional families, where children aren't treated/praised equally. Gay teens are certainly overwhelmed with judgement and hatred from our society. But bare contributes to anyone facing judgement from any social reform. It's a really powerful message, if you want to hear it. This show open your hearts and minds to something different, and you'll be able to relate to the subject matter. There is always a way out or your torment. You can be happy, whether the world gives you permission or not.

If you don't know me or my cast mates, here's a link so you can match our faces with our blogs. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=16w70jJiyvk


<3 <3 <3