I thought that maybe after bare had been over for a few days, some immaculate and inspirational words would come to me to conclude my blogging for this round...and here I am...with really nothing great to say. So in conclusion after all of my dedication and diligence for yet another beautiful production with New Line theatre, I will part by reminding you, my readers, how much I appreciate theatre and how much I have grown because of it.
I used to wonder when I was younger what life really meant. I was so mesmerized by older people with careers and families and canes. And I wondered how they got there; what did they really accomplish. I felt disconnected to their ideas. The ones that wanted families, or to live in Pacific for the rest of their lives, or the people that wanted to be millionaires by the time we were 20. I thought that if that was really what living means, then we are completely insignificant.
I thought for the longest time that maybe something was actually wrong with me, since I didn't want the same things as all the people around me. I felt like I was and still am, the only female not looking for a husband. I felt like people were sickened by the idea that I didn't want children, and have never considered the idea even. I constantly questioned the church and faith. I wanted to know what was actually real; and what had we convinced ourselves of.
I didn't care about money. I didn't want to settle down in a house and have a family that went to church every Sunday. I felt like there was so much more to life. Or at least mine. I wanted to travel. I wanted to witness culture and experience everything different that I possibly could. I wanted to sing on Broadway, and live in a tiny apartment alone with my cat and my love for living. I wanted to make connections with every person I encountered. I wanted to save the earth and our animals. I wanted to believe that I could make an impression, that I could make a difference.
I found solace in acting very soon in life. I would invent roles. Roles that were completely different from my reality. If I couldn't think like everyone else, I could at least pretend. All that time alone with my imagination led me to the stage eventually, but the early years of my playful acting (the roles I'd create and develop alone in the tire swing behind our house) played a significant part in experimenting with my perception.
I have been battling my parent's teachings for as long as I can remember. And the church's as well. Not to say that I disagreed with everything I was being taught; I gained many good things from both influences. However, I felt uncertain. Like, I was unsure of the exactness of all that I was being taught. I wondered about the dinosaurs. And about the galaxies. Did Native Americans all go to hell because they didn't know Jesus? I had met gay people, all of whom I enjoyed their happiness very much. I was so hesitant to accept so many ideas just because I had been raised that certain things were "wrong." Even though, I really didn't believe that. I was just afraid. What if I was wrong? What would happen to me if I didn't believe?...
As I have gotten older and experienced all kinds of people and situations, I have learned that our beliefs (no matter what they are) only make us courageous. Faith can be found anywhere. Whether you believe in God, or whether you believe that you'll get that job you interviewed for last week, or whether you simply just believe that we are all equal no matter your stature.
I believe gay people are just as equal to any rights that a straight person does. I wonder what the next type of discrimination America will stoop to. Maybe it'll be vampires like in True Blood. :)
I do not know what my future holds. I do know, however, what makes me happy. And that is being with the people that I love, and singing, and dancing, creating connections with everything I touch, searching for truth, finding peace in my heart, and appreciating authenticity. I know that I have made an impression on so many people. I have made my difference by being a generous human being and unconditionally loving my family and friends. I am content with that.
I may never travel everywhere I want to. And I may never win a Tony. But "I never wanted to be famous. I only wanted to be great."-Ray Charles.
There are so many paths that I can choose. Maybe I'll change my direction and get married and have a family. Or maybe I won't. Maybe God is real. Maybe gays and lesbians will be able to marry in any state someday. Maybe our economy will pick up. And maybe I'll get to experience bare onstage again somewhere in my theatrical career.
Nobody has all the answers. But we all have options. Freedom lies wherever you'd like to accept it.
"There are no facts, only interpretations." -Friedrich Nietzsche
My name is Terrie Suzette Carolan.
I love ice-cream.
I am so incredibly blessed to have the life that I have lived.
bare has opened my mind and my heart in ways I cannot describe.
<3 <3 <3
I have experienced what life really is.
I believe there is not just one specific definition for "life" with all of the diversity surrounding us. Life is truly what you make of it.
Fill your heart with love. And when you think it's full, keep on loving. <3
